Airs and social graces, elocution so divine [026]

Stuck in my head: "Teeange Angst"
Placebo
Placebo

"Since I was born, I started to decay; now nothing ever, ever goes my way..."

~^v*v^~
Well, it's been quite some time since I've posted an entry, hasn't it? I'd think about the blog a lot but couldn't quite bring myself to sit down and say anything meaningful enough to warrant the coding. I'd compose these longer diatribres on the socials but that stuff doesn't create engagement the way some dumb meme does.

Of course I want attention - don't we all? Maybe we don't admit it, or maybe we don't care if it's good attention or bad attention, like a junkie chasing the next fix. Don't get me wrong, I think if used wisely, social media has the wondrous benefit of keeping in contact with people you've adored at various stages of your life. It's why I still exist in that sphere, even if I don't act like it sometimes. I'm there because I'm grateful you're there.

~^v*v^~
I've made no secret that I'm heading back to Austin in the middle of September for a few days. I'm gonna see Punk Girl and Rogue, and hopefully catch up with Buddha O. Juice for the first time since 1998 - It'll be good to see the old man.

I'm also on a therapeutic mission: my college years in Austin have always stuck out almost as an anomaly in my timeline. I grew up and existed in South Texas, I moved to Seattle and existed there, but there has always been this little piece in the middle that I couldn't reconcile. Some of the detachment has to do with my dad and his abuse, some of it was dealing (or not dealing) with depression and not knowing what the next day would bring, and some of it was just wanting to see the rest of the world. As I get older, I want to reclaim that part of me - my doctor says it's "reintegration", and becoming more whole.

She's smart. Don't tell her I said that.

Part of that desire is the rough time I've had in Seattle. It's funny, no matter how many times you tell people in Standard American English what problems you're experiencing and how it makes you feel, clearly it's your fault that you don't like the bullshit baseball team or the bullshit hot dog or the fucking passive-aggressive laissez-faire attitude or the god damn lazy bastard musicians who still want to play "grunge" almost forty years after it's heyday and pay for the privilege of a leaking hovel with explosive rents...

There's so guarantee that Austin in 2023 is any different. What is there are people I absolutely admire and adore, food that is GOOD, and musicians I've met digitally who have been more welcoming that many I've met in Seattle in person.

My career is here, though, at least for a while... and it's not like there aren't good people here, I get reminded of them every day. I'm really into New Coworker Girl (nickname to come later), and Ms. Kn, and B-Man, The Doctor, Mr. Eye... these people help keep me sane.

Days like today, I feel a little closer to maybe even figuring out what I liked about Seattle when I first got here (it sure wasn't the fucking musicians). Summer rain is pretty rare and we got some overnight. It was in the seventies with concrete skies, and the smell of the sea (fine, the "sound"... fuck you, prick) filtered through the air.

I just have to remind myself that it's not always a horrible place.

-CST.